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Prayer

I came upon a gorgeous poem called "Prayer" by Marie Howe. I wrote it below. It speaks of the desire to connect to something greater but still fleeing from that connection because of all of our daily distractions and responsibilities. Since February 3rd, around the time the Anusara scandal broke, I have found myself completely overtaken by this storm. Although so much has calmed for me, I still spend hours in front of the computer, reading writings from private Facebook groups about the scandal, trying to make sense of it, while waiting for John to come clean.

Just yesterday two of Anusara Yoga's most senior and beloved teachers (Suzie Hurley and Betsey Downing) wrote an incredibly courageous letter (published on elephantjournal.com) delineating how John Friend came clean to them and other members of the Interim committee after the scandal broke. Afterwards he then proceeded to lie and manipulate the audience of yogis in Miami, even making light of the accusations. It is one of the clearest, most truthful accounts we have of the scandal and of how how easily John manipulates others. And yet even with all this information people continue to make excuses for John. 

For me part of the heartbreaking grief is knowing that I will probably never study again with my main teacher of 10 years, one who I have studied with over 40 times. 

Yet life goes one. 

Last Friday four of us Anusara teachers who have resigned had an ending ceremony. We had a private ritual of goodbye. Very needed and necessary. Today as much as I want to see what news are happening or not happening, I must find my breath, sit in silence, and then go teach yoga. Letting every day become a prayer for myself, my students, all of us who are waiting for more to be revealed.

Prayer
by Marie Howe

Every day I want to speak with you. And everyday something more
important
calls for my attention- the drugstore, the beauty products, the
luggage

I need to buy for the trip.
Even now I can hardly sit here

among the falling piles of paper and clothing, the garbage trucks
outside
already screeching and banging.

The mystics say you are as close as my own breath.
Why do I flee from you?

My days and nights pour through me like complaints
and become a story I forgot to tell.

Help me. Even as I write these words I am planning
to rise from the chair as soon as I finish this sentence.

outer spiral

One of the greatest ironies that I have been experiencing is that since resigning my license to Anusara Yoga on February 16th, I have become a better Anusara Yoga teacher. First off, I am no longer driving myself crazy every night before I teach. Secondly my drive to the studio used to be me talking to myself as I drove, reviewing my theme, thinking it wasn't good enough, not noticing the sunlight, the day, the moment. Then during class I would often be unaware of the energy in the room and the students, as I pursued on with my class plan. Worst of all, I would drive home after class and beat myself up, often calling friends to tell them that I wasn't good at teaching. I put myself through the ringer, put so much pressure on myself, and slowly but surely started to lose the joy in my teaching.

It has come back. Now I plan my classes based on my students and what is happening in my life, things that are interesting that I am learning, including different parts of the body. Then I drive enjoying the ride to and from the studio. I meet and greet the students (often I didn't like to talk too much to them before class, because I kept reviewing my notes; oy vey). Now when I teach it feels like a conversation. I really want to know how people are doing, I am more invested. We are all in this together! The best part is that after class, I drive home knowing I did well, knowing I am one of many, that I am part of a rich yoga tradition where I am not better or worse than my fellow yoga teachers.

This whole week I have been focusing on the fourth Universal Principle of Alignment which is Outer Spiral. Generally teachers use the shorthand way of expressing its complexity by stating, "scoop your tailbone." But in fact, it is so much more. I have been finding profound gifts in my exploration of this UPA:
How it helps to bend the front knee in standing poses. 
How it helps in balancing in handstands. 
How it helps in asymmetrical arm balances. 

It's been quite thrilling to be able to do poses I couldn't do before, by simply doing more outer spiraling in the front him in asymmetrical arm balances.

Here is a template of classes I taught this week:
cat/cow
AMS
Uttanasana
Urdhva Hastasana
Uttansana
plank, chaturanga, locust, cobra, AMS

Lunge (tack front hip back and down) to twist
vinyasas all througout
Crescent
Warrior 1

Handstand (pay attention to the front hip as you kick)
Forearm Balance

Parsvakonasana
Trikonasana
Half Moon, Sugar Cane, Revolved Half Moon

Ardha Matsyendrasana
Eka Pada K #1

Standing baby cradle
Eka Pada Galavasana

Pigeon #1
Pigeon #2
Pigeon #4 (we did at the Practice)

Dragonfly (also)

Lie on the back use the tennis balls *yummy in opening fascia
some backbends
wind down
rest

Classes were amazing this week! I saw students literally go deeper in their poses right then and there. It was beautiful to watch.

May we not drive ourselves crazy. 
May we realize we are doing the best we can.
May we continue to share our unique gifts with the world.
May we rest knowing we did the best we could and look forward to tomorrow!

Our song

I read a few months ago about a Tribe in West Africa whose members count a child's birthday not when the child is born, but rather from the day the child is first a thought in its mother's mind. That day the mother goes outside the village and sits under a tree, listening until she can hear her child's song. She returns to the village, teaching it to the man she envisions as the father. They both sing the song when they make love, as a way of inviting the unborn child to join them. They sing it to the child in the womb and they teach it to the midwives when the child is born. Later they sing it whenever the child cries, through many rites of passages. As the child becomes an adult they will forever know their song, which will be sung all the way through marriage, up until their death.

I am touched by the idea of all of us having an inner song which guides us through our lives. This last weekend I taught two Teacher Training, on Saturday at Black Dog and Sunday the Anusara Teacher Training at Siesta Yoga. I reminded the students about how they have something so wonderful to share with the world and that their voice as yoga teachers carry a song that has been there for a long time. We did some journaling to become even clearer on what we want to say, and then we did some practicing, some teaching, and therapeutics. 

Both trainings are almost done and its remarkable to see how the students are stepping up into the role of teachers so seamlessly. It has really been a pleasure and an honor to listen to their songs and help hone them in any way. I hope to continue to listen to people's song as they teach, as they write, as they live, love, experience day-to-day embodiment. 
May we continue to listen to each other's songs.

Stay present

I am starting to feel settled in my body and my routine. Or -as I call it jokingly- I am starting to feel "combobulated." (I know it is not a word but it should be!) This week I focused on the Hamstring muscles, the three powerful muscles that originate in the sitting bones and travel down, inserting in the back of the knee. They are one of the most underused muscles in yoga, and many a yogi has torn a hamstring attachment. 

Last week, a student who often comes to my classes, mentioned after class that she was having for many years a sensation of pain on her left hamstring. I told her that I would focus next week classes on the hamstrings. Before the "Anusara situation" I used to tailor my classes generally after philosophical themes. I would drive myself crazy coming up with a great theme. Now I am tailoring classes after the students' needs. I really see such a positive change happening to my teaching, even though I still feel sad and at times rudderless since the allegations towards my teacher John appeared more than a month ago. 

Classes this week were very powerful. I reminded the students to isometrically drag their ankles back in space to fire the hamstrings as they did their poses. Students found it very helpful in Standing Poses (especially Warrior 2 and Triangle), as well as kicking up into Handstand and piking into Headstand 1. Many commented afterwards how strong and powerful they felt. I loved that they were connecting to vast reserves of power within their bodies.

I also said during class that tightness in the hamstring is a symbol of the body wanting to "run away," as if we are wanting to leave uncomfortable situations. We worked a lot on grounding the legs as a symbol of being present with what is. I just finished rereading Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart. Her main gist is to stay curious when something uncomfortable happens. To stay present as the path unfolds, moment by moment. I am trying to do that every time I hear the latest piece of news. To stay here, even when the heart breaks, even when fear shows up, even when someone disagrees with me. To watch each moment as it unfolds and opens into the next:"...the source of wisdom is whatever is going to happen to us today. The source of wisdom is whatever is happening to us right at this very instant." Pema Chodron

May we stay here, right now.

Latest post

Since the Anusara upheaval started, I joined Facebook so I could listen to the many voices of Anusara Yoga teachers. I joined several private groups and every morning I wake up to check what is happening, to see how people are doing, to hear what is the latest... Little did I know that one of the private groups (entitled Kula Without Borders) would ended up becoming a life raft for me. I have learned so much in listening in to other's experiences and have been transformed by it. Below is what I posted yesterday.


Dear Kula Without Borders:

Thank you for this safe space of sharing.

Not a day goes by where I haven't cried; cried about John, about Anusara, about the suffering that our community is experiencing.

Yet I've noticed in these last few weeks profound changes in my teaching. I am paying greater attention to my students. My obsession with choosing the perfect theme and inserting a heart quality with every other instruction has subsided. I am starting to tailor my classes after my student's needs, rather than after a philosophical theme that connects to Siva-Sakti, which at times felt inauthentic. I am more present and not as attached to my sequence. I feel like I am having a conversation with my students as opposed to a monologue. I used to feel anxious before my classes for many years, believing that what I brought to class was never enough, even after becoming Certified. Often after teaching yoga, I needed yoga.

I am blessed to have had John Friend as my main asana teacher for 10 years. I remain eternally grateful for the stable structure he and innumerable others gave to my yoga teaching. I am so blessed to the Kula for freeing my teaching. To all of you: thank you for helping refine the asana of my expression. In this last most challenging and ultimately life-changing month I have learned so much from your voices. I have literally taken notes from the sharing of Douglas Brooks, Doug Keller, and Susanna Hartwood Rubin. I have been inspired by Sarah Faircloth's words. I have been changed by what Amy Ippoliti said, as well as by Darren Rhodes' silence. In short, I feel that I have taken the most intense Teacher Training of my life. More will continue to be revealed... Until then, I can't wait to teach yoga tomorrow, learn from the students and listen to the conversation that is to come.

Blessed meditation

"Meditation is probably the only activity that doesn't add anything to the picture. Everything is allowed to come and go without further embellishment. Meditation is a totally nonviolent, nonaggressive occupation. Not filling the space, allowing for the possibility of connecting with unconditional openness- this provides the basis for real change."
Pema Chodron, "When Things Fall Apart"

In this last crazy month of living through the Anusara upheaval I have been blessed to return even more deeply to my meditation practice. Pema Chodron's reminder of how meditation is the only activity that doesn't add anything, rings true for me. In a time where there has been so many opinions, thoughts, emotions, and glimpses of our deepest fears and desires, it has been great respite to close my eyes and turn to that spacious place where nothing is added and nothing is subtracted. A place where I discover the birthright of my peace, which no one can take away from me. A place where I know that everything will be all right. A place where I am able to reboot myself and settle, training me so that when I go back to the matrix of Facebook conversations and day-to-day endless opinions, I can trust and move without fear. I can choose to not add any more confusion and anger to the discourse. I can embody the highest teachings that I learned from all my teachers. I can allow others to be who they are without changing them.

Rumi poem

Keep walking
Though there's no place to get to.
Don't try to see through distances.
That's not for human beings.
Move within.
But don't move
The way that fear makes you move.
Rumi

I wake up filled with possibilities: What's next? How will I grow as a teacher? How will I be able to serve my students?

I wake up to watch my sadness transform with time. Within me lies incredible freedom to determine how I will adapt to my new situation; how I interpret the recent events of my life. 

I move with gratitude for the deep, rich learnings of yoga, and try to open my heart to its widest so I can accept what is, and make the most aligned choice every day.

Today I teach four privates: one has brain cancer, one just lost a family member, one had a brain aneurysm, one had breast cancer. There is so much suffering, so much loss. And there is a new breath at this moment, and an invitation to welcome what is and open up to a possibility of more. 
There is so much work to be done. 
I best get a move on it and go teach yoga.


Everything changes, but flowers will open

"Everything changes in this world
but flowers will open
each spring
just as usual.
Zen saying

Every morning I wonder: How is the grief manifesting? On October 10th, 2010, my beloved grandmother who was my first yoga teacher, died.  This year, on February 16th, I resigned my license to Anusara yoga. Ever since then I am living my grief with raw curiosity, accepting any emotion that comes along: sadness, anger, confusion, doubt, rage, tears, strength, hope, and let's-move-on-and-continue-teaching-and-practicing-yoga, which was the whole point all along.

I am blessed for my friends who have shown up for me during this time and are there for me every time I call. I am blessed for my boyfriend who has listened to every detail and has asked the right questions. I am blessed for my students who have come to me after class and told me that they love and support me. I am blessed to have Rose, the manager of Black Dog, who took my class last Wednesday and afterwards told me that in the six years she has been studying with me, I have never taught better, I have never been more free. I am blessed for the scandal that has rocked my community for it has allowed all of us to look deeper inside and see what we believe and were we stand, and what we are not willing to put up with. I am blessed to have had John Friend as my main asana teacher, for he taught me most of what I know about yoga asana and therapeutics. I am blessed that in all these years of knowing him, studying with him, even assisting him several times, the last interaction we had last month in Encinitas, was one of warmth, were he hugged me and was so happy for me and my personal life. One of my best friends took a picture of us; it was the first and last picture of us. 
I wish him healing. 
I hope one day he wishes the same for me, and those who have left.

After the suffering, laundry

Yesterday I was doing laundry. I had neglected it for a while since I was so embroiled in the happenings of Anusara yoga. I went downstairs to check if my clothes were done. Starting a load was my new neighbor. I introduced myself to her and she sweetly told me that she knew who I was, as she had studied with me many years ago. She told me she is a Certified Iyengar instructor and asked me if I was still teaching Anusara. I took a breath. I told her that I am a Certified Anusara instructor and will always be. I told her that I will continue teaching Anusara but that I resigned my license to Anusara, Inc. She was well aware of the Anusara scandal. We started to talk about yoga, about teachers, about ethics. She told me how devastated she would be if her own personal teacher (Manouso Manos) had behaved as poorly as John Friend had. She told me she thought that I had behaved with so much courage in resigning and that ultimately our students come for us and for the yoga. And there we were, the Certified Iyengar teacher and the Certified Anusara teacher folding laundry, helping each other through these most difficult poses life throws at us.

Douglas Brooks' letter to the community

Here is Douglas Brooks' letter to the Anusara community published two days ago on the facebook private groups for Anusara teachers. To those not familiar with the cast of characters, Douglas Brooks is one of our philosophy teachers, one of my teachers and the one who gave the name of "Anusara" to Anusara Yoga. He has been a focal point of strength in these last four weeks.

Michal Lichtman is the new CEO of Anusara, Inc. John Friend certified her in Encinitas just last month (I was there). She now owns half the company and became CEO a few days ago.

Common Sense: Thoughts on the Present State of Affairs

I find myself compelled to write to express to Michal Lichtman a genuine sense of appreciation for her efforts, for her desire to bring healing and value to the many who have been hurt by John Friend’s actions and the long-term consequences these actions will have on the yoga community. Michal means to provide a voice of healing and gracious inclusion and I do not mistake that voice. I have remained over these past weeks a public voice that has meant to bring the discourse into reasonable understandings rather than legitimizing or representing a particular point of view. Today, I find myself brought into the public conversation in ways that require me to reply.

Having been cited liberally in Michal’s letter as she outlines plans for a reorganization of Anusara, Inc., I feel compelled to reveal my own understandings of the situation and to distinguish her genuine intentions from what I understand to be a strategy and a plan from Anusara, Inc, that will certainly only further divide the community and exacerbate a situation that will continue to prove more problematic for all. I offer, as Thomas Paine put it, “nothing more than simple facts, plain arguments, and common sense.” But let me not be disingenuous either. Paine fomented a revolution. I am recommending nothing less than that.

Certainly, I understand Michal’s efforts to bring together community and to arrive at a place where those who have devoted lives in time, effort, resources, and love towards the yoga taught within Anusara feel the sense of real value for their accomplishments. All involved for these many years are grateful to John Friend for having brought us into valued relationships and conversations about yoga.

Anyone privy to the conversations of the then-Interim Committee to which I was party before the Miami event will know that I expressed my opinions regarding the situation at the time and for the evolution of Anusara with a certain stridency. All I can add to that memory is that I would offer no opinion to true friends that is without passion, seriousness, and rigor to the argument. These I take to be demonstrations of how deeply one cares. I hope everyone involved in those events knows that I meant then, and mean now, to help my old friend John and to opine in ways that serve the students of Anusara Yoga. I am not expecting these opinions to be followed; I respect disagreements and I never ask my own students (much less my friends) for “alignment” with views, only their most honest criticism.

Regarding events since February 3rd and into the Miami situation, it seems clear to me that none of my advice or input was much heeded by John or those who agreed to his choices. I mean to make clear here that some would not agree with John’s choices (myself included) while others believed these decisions were his to make and so would continue to stand with him, regardless of whether they agreed with his actual decisions. From John’s every public statement, I have found myself beyond credulity with the absence of disclosure, by the insensitivity towards the true victims of this crisis (i.e, the members of the community), and, frankly, what I can only describe as a disingenuous lack of candor on John’s part. I cannot doubt John’s sincerity, which I take to be more alarming for the facts that we already possess.

John’s actions and statements further establish a pattern of behavior that one senior teacher describes as having created “irreparable harm” to the reputation of the community. I believe this to be a fact beyond reasonable dispute. However events in the press portray the situation, the conversation about yoga’s benefits, the history of teaching and teachers, and the study of Indian spiritualities, especially Tantra, has suffered a significant setback due to John’s actions. The Anusara community and the yoga community at large suffers that degradation by association, implication, and public perception.

Let us not fool ourselves, the deep feelings of betrayal and fracture are accompanied by evidence mounting each day to further substantiate the case that John’s actions are continuing to make matters far worse— especially if his wish is to heal fractures, accept the reality of his actions, and understand that the Anusara community can no longer exist with any form of his leadership in any capacity or association. Not only do I see the current efforts at healing and reconciliation from Anusara, Inc., as premature, I believe that for all good intentions involved, that these plans and strategies will reinforce “irreparable harm” to Anusara, the community, and to the cause of learning and practicing yoga.

So long as there is Anusara, Inc., even one organized by teachers or established as a non-profit (the business of which I understand is complex and would involve enormous resources of community effort), there will be direct association with John Friend. Call this a mistaken perception or even a misunderstanding of the “new” Anusara, any such reorganization will further fracture community, harden feelings, and create the tangible impression that John’s actions and choices are supported and being represented. In my opinion, any re-formulation of Anusara as a teacher’s co-operative, a non-profit organization, etc., can only result in these unwanted consequences.

If I may be so bold as just another person with an opinion: There is, as I see it, a common sense solution that will create a situation for the entire Anusara community to come eventually to healing and, perhaps too, for John. I will present this as a series of steps and a rationale for each.

• Announce that Anusara, Inc., in any possible configuration will cease to exist by the end of 2012.

This will forever prevent any possible faction of “us” and “them”; it will relieve doubt and any implied pressures to “rejoin”, and it will assert the integrity of all persons, including those who have been party to re-organization efforts. Everyone will be equal, at last. Everyone will be recognized for good intentions and actions that serve the cause of “uniting.”

The alternative of a “rejoining” a “new” Anusara, as is currently proposed, cannot achieve as much as simply bringing Anusara, Inc. to a natural conclusion, an end.

• Allow all certified teachers to finish their 2012 programs with the intention to use the approval from Anusara, Inc. as a mechanism for establishing their own relationships with accreditation that no longer relies in any way on Anusara, Inc.

Teachers will organize organically in well-wrought relationships with each other (this is already happening, of course); they will find their way without Anusara, Inc., because they have been well-taught and have brought their gifts to bear in the study of yoga. The teachers have the expertise and the community resources to represent themselves as “Anusara” method practitioners. Their credibility will belong to them, not to the organization. In short, simply allow the teachers to teach. If there are financial issues to the administration of pending approvals or hours of credit then find ways not to place that burden on the teachers.

• Ask John Friend to retain the trademarks and properties of Anusara, Inc., so that no one else can reform or reorganize in any formal way. If John leads the revolution to give Anusara to the community then perhaps everyone can see the wisdom in understanding that Anusara belongs to the community. A crucial component here is that John permits any one to teach the method beyond 2012 without any enforcement or claim on the concepts and practices.

The “standards” of Anusara must organically be reformulated without any single organization representing the method. Why? Because then “Anusara” can create a long lasting, community-based legacy that is entirely dissociated from the perceptions of the past and recognizes that irreparable harm cannot be undone. We want to forgive but not in any way if we are being reminded to forget. We can heal when it is time but not before we recognize the real effects of damage done. Don’t worry about Anusara losing its method or its standards: these will continue in new ways led by an already formidable corps of talented persons.

• This final dissolution of Anusara, Inc., will secure the best of its past and create the opportunity for a future that is inclusive and honest. There will be innumerable Anusara classes and people will decide for themselves how a given teacher teaches: the onus belongs to the teacher, where it should. Anusara, Inc. in any form can bring no such credibility.

Why? Because there is no possible configuration of Anusara, Inc. that could in any practical, honest, or realistic way distinguish itself from his leadership or his role as founder-teacher. You cannot undo the realities of history but you can move forward without creating future burdens, perceptions, and fractures.

• John in time may reclaim his role among his peers disavowing any relationship to Anusara as it continues beside him in the work of former students. He will be the revolutionary that created the Anusara method and he will be remembered as the one who gave it to his community and then rejoined the larger yoga community as a gifted teacher. For John to continue in any role of leadership, implied, concealed, or actual is to consign Anusara to the status of another fallen yoga cult. That would be a real shame, unnecessary but, in my opinion, a certainty unless he leads a revolution that changes everything currently being proposed to “re-organize.”

I have not been privy to any recent conversations regarding re-organization and some may suggest that I mean here to exert an undue influence on people within the community. I apologize if I exhaust your good will but I cannot believe that my influence outweighs the common sense of individuals who have the intelligence, good nature, and inner resources to make up their own minds. Further, I cannot for the life of me think of one way I benefit from making public my opinions, especially since they seem to be so at odds with the strategies and on-going plans announced by Anusara’s new CEO. I have not at all, for example, addressed those with a financial stake in Anusara, Inc., and offer no business opinion about licensing agreements, investment, or other related matters. Those issues I leave to others with more expertise.

As I said at the outset, without any personal connection to Michal Lichtman, I sense as others have that she means to offer her very best efforts. Since she seems to have considered so much of my input from previous efforts (I mean, her liberal citation of my written efforts), then perhaps she will regard what I have offered here too as my honest, good faith effort to be a constructive presence within the yoga community. Folks that don’t like my ideas, are upset perhaps by these proposals: to them I say thank you for having considered this an offering that is an effort of heart expressing good intentions. I hope you will see it as that: an invitation to think about the situation in a way that doesn’t solve every problem but comes to the heart of the matter.

Yours,

Douglas Brooks

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