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Better than a birthday
In these past three days, my life has been better than a birthday.
I've gotten calls, emails, facebook postings which I went to see using my friend's passwords.
It's all been so beautiful.
One of my best friend- Marc- called me from Europe and left me the sweetest message.
Scott Lewicki came tonight to my class, to support me.
The students from the Teacher Training bought me flowers and a $100 gift certificate from the Boddhi Tree. My God!!!!!
Got gorgeous emails from Sally Kempton, Sianna, Kenny, Noah, Christina, Tara, so many teachers and students.
I feel so deeply loved.
I've gotten so many hugs.
And each one I'm savoring, treasuring, making an imprint, a mudra, a seal in my heart- I shall never forget this.
I feel like the ending of SAVING PRIVATE RYAN. "Earn this!" I've earned this!!!!
I feel so loved!
This is better than a birthday!
Birthdays happen every year, no matter what. Birthdays happen whether you worked hard or not. They are inevitable. The certification process, at least for me, was a mysterious journey where for four years I truly didn't think I was going to get certified.
But I knew that I would spend the rest of life trying.
And when the call came, there was such intense emotion that had built up, waiting to be released.
I used to feel so alone during the process. Even though I have so many amazing friends, I would hide my feelings of shame about not being certified for all this time...
I thought people must look down on me...
But all those parts of me I wanted to hide and was ashamed of, were inspiring others!
Even John said on his call that he had so much respect for how I stuck with it.
I'm an Anusara barnacle. I will never let go of this rock. I am here for life.
Hello, I'm Maria Cristina Jimenez and I'm a certified Anusara teacher!
AND
to top this weekend off, yesterday I went to my dear dear dear friend Tiffany Fraser's wedding. And can I say it was the best wedding that I've ever been to?! There were about 200 people, including Julie Andrews. Tiffany looked radiant, beautiful, stunning. Her husband Steve made one of the most memorable vows I've ever heard- so funny, loving, real. Her best friend Jonathan officiated the wedding and also did an amazing job.
I went with one of my best friends Jenny who is a blast. We were placed on Table #10 which was all the way in the back, hidden behind podium and the speakers. It was me, Jenny, Lucy, Jessica, Cynthia, Annie- all of us yoga teachers- and a few other gents. About halfway through dinner we spontaneously decided to be playful and lo and behold we started to play "Truth or Dare." I started and of course said "dare." They said, "go to table #4 and kiss a random guy." And guess what, I did! And so it began. Let's just say that at one moment Jenny did a sexy dance in the middle of the room, Annie held Warrior 2 for about a minute in the middle of the reception! And at one moment Tiffany found out what was happening and started to laugh so hard.
I've never had so much fun like this!
Tiffany aside from being a great friend was one of my 4 evaluators for my certification. She was the first person I called after I hung up with John; even before my parents. She was there from the very beginning, back in 2006 when she wrote an evaluation form saying that I should be certified. She never stopped believing in me and her integrity and calm kept me going.
One of her dreams was to get married.
One of mine was to become certified.
Both happened this weekend.
Mazal Tov!
What a day!
I was crying so much yesterday.
What a day.
I spent the day at Black Dog: took a class, then taught for the TT. The students of the training were so proud of me when they heard the news. They were so cute, asking questions about it.
Then I got a mani/pedi (want to look great for Tiffany's wedding today!). And got tons of sweet calls, texts and emails from friends. Everyone is genuinely so happy! People are screaming, texting from Bali (Tara), from Europe (Marc). Using tons of exclamation points!!!!
My friend Jenny screamed so loud when she heard that she hurt my ears.
My friend Joy cried.
Hagar left one long screaming message- love her.
Marc is in Coppenhagen doing a workshop and will be using this as a theme!
My father said he was "so proud of me but to not tell too many people until I had the certification letter." Ha- sorry Dad!
My brother Jorge and his girlfriend Garie sneaked into my apartment when I wasn't here and placed four huge ballons/cards with big "congratulations" on them. Then they treated me to a movie last night at the Arclight (THE SWITCH, which is great fun!).
Tons of calls, tons of unexpected emails from students, from teachers, from ex-boyfriends!!!!
From strangers on this blog- thank you all so much!!!!
All in all I feel so happy, calm and yes, still weepy.
I took a class yesterday and the teacher afterwards heard I was just certified and asked me to give her notes and advice. And I said that I had no notes. I told her how great she was, but I gave her no notes. Quite honestly if I take someone's class I am not there to give criticism. I'm there to enjoy the class and be a student.
I think one of the many reasons my process lasted so long was because I got so self conscious from feeling like I was being judged all the time. Something in me hid, and I started to teach things I thought people wanted to hear from me instead of just teaching from my experience. And at times I lost the joy of teaching. It has since come back but I don't want to come to people's class and have them think that I am taking notes or giving them advice. Teaching yoga is challenging enough. I just want to be a student, supportive, kind.
I'm gonna go to my church (the Farmer's Market) then to teach again at the TT.
Then later it's Tiffany's wedding. Can't wait to celebrate her!
Certified!
I just got off the phone with John Friend.
I hung up in tears.
After 4 years.
After more than 10 videos officially submitted.
After so much, today August 21st, 2010, I am officially Certified.
I'm crying tears of joy and gratitude to my evaluators: John Friend, to Tiffany Fraser, to Tanya Bielke and Christy Nones.
Crying tears of gratitude to my friends and family for their support in these 4 years.
Crying tears of gratitude towards all that I learned in this process that tested me and helped me grow.
Namaste.
citi-samkocatma cetano'pi samkucita-visvamayah
The fourth sutra of The Splendor of Recognition translates as "Even the individual, whose nature is Consciousness in a contracted state, embodies the universe in a contracted form." This sutra unlike the previous one, seems much more accessible to me. The implication is that we are a microcosm of the macrocosm. That in fact the same principles that give shape to the universe, also give shape to the body. Therefore we can surmise that the more we understand ourselves, the more me might be able to understand the world.
I also love how we are a contracted form of the universe, which furthermore suggests that the possibility of expansion is always close at hand. The capacity for expansion is always within us; we have that ability to call on it, to invoke it. Like a super hero, we have that power. No matter what I am dealing with I can always change the way I perceive or relate to it, so that I can be in a more expanded state.
A few days ago when I was in Puerto Rico, my mother made a strange comment to me. She was asking me if I was interested in any men and I said that not really, not right now. She said, "well, remember that you are now 37 years old Maria. And that your time is running out. That good men are really hard to find." And I literally felt my light dim. I knew she meant it from the best place and that in her heart of hearts she wants me to be happy. But it took a lot from me not to lash out at her and tell her how hurtful it was that comment. Not to take her comment with me on my suitcase, all the way back to Los Angeles. I had to pause, breathe and tell her that love never runs out. That I don't agree with her assessment. That there is always time for love...
So it's not so much what happens to us but how we relate to it. And relating to challenging comments from a more expanded place allows us to move out of a contraction. Just like there are parts of the universe that are heavy, dark, cloaked... There are others which are auspicious, free, unbounded. It simply becomes a matter of where do I want to focus on, what do I want to identify with. What do I want to aligning with? To quote Frank Jude Boccio, a Buddhist teacher, "Suffering or happiness is created through one's relationship to experience, not by experience itself."
Being seen
I just came from a therapist appointment. I had been seeing an incredibly gifted therapist for about 8 years now. But I thought it would be a nice change to try someone new, especially someone that has been highly recommended by my brother. So I went to see Dr. Sharon for the first time today. And within 20 minutes of our session I was crying.
She asked me to talk about a incredibly traumatic incident that happened to me when I was young. As I was telling the incident I was smiling and she said, "Can you tell me this story without smiling?" As soon as my smile ended the tears started to come. So many tears, even after all these years.
I think I worry so much about "protecting" others, whether they are family, friends, students, lovers and/or even therapists. I have learned to keep people at bay and hide parts of myself. As soon as I stopped smiling the dam broke. Even after all these years there is so much sadness.
I think part of my work as a yogi is not just learning how to stand up from urdhva dhanurasana. It's not just learning how to balance in a handstand. It's allowing myself to be seen.
In Anusara yoga we learn that we are all a unique expression of this one light that chooses -out of its own freedom- to refract into myriad expressions. Why do I keep denying others from seeing the way light moves through me?
I think my soul has chosen to become a yoga teacher so that I could encourage others to shine their own unique light brightly. And maybe inspired by them, I could also do the same...
Class this morning was great. I taught at Still a mixed level class and we had a really funny, sweet group. Solana from Black Dog's TT was assisting and she was so lovely, open, and generous. I've been playing around with giving less instructions at the beginning of class, during the sun salutes and even during the first few standing poses. I don't know if students could tell, but it certainly felt better for me to not feel that I have to say 1,000 things in one pose. To be economical in my speech. To be able to hold the space with silence.
We also did really (I think) interesting works on the hips and on the sides of the body. We explored Malasana 1 and Malasana 2, tons of Ardha Chandra Chapasana and we culminated in Baby Kapinjalasana. Lots of fun stuff. I think I'm finally starting to get a handle on this whole teaching thing.
I have been really enjoying seeing my students do their practice. I often pause and admire the beauty that they create in class! I hope they know how beautiful they are!
Anusara Poster Project Pose: Malasana prep, Malasana 1 and Malasana 2
meditation
I was meditating last night. Sitting on my purple cushion, with a blanket under my shins. My cat Gigi had her usual spot right on my lap, purring contentedly, as I went into that space of quiet, velvety stillness. And then about 10 minutes into the meditation, I felt my right shoulder just release- I swear- about an inch down. It dropped quite dramatically down. I realized how much tension I was holding on to on that side. It made me realize how often our holding patterns become our new normal. The armor we use to protect ourselves becomes our skin and we don't even notice it anymore. We don't notice it until the release come. And then we realize, my God, I was so tight, I was holding on so much, I was in such pain and I didn't even realize it!
I went through a breakup back in January. So painful that I didn't write or talk about it. I chose about 3 people to talk about it and that was it. Now with time I feel completely healed. But back then, I felt dark, cloaked and sad. Nothing, no one attracted or interested me. I felt dead.
Now there's a guy who I like and for the first time in almost a year I feel awake, alive, attracted to the world and the universe. People are commenting on how pretty I look! And I feel it! I How interesting. If I could go back in time to the Maria Cristina who was heartbroken back in January, I would tell her that everything was going be okay, that I would be fine... But I can't. All I can do is the next time I go through darkness and cloaking, remember that everything ebbs and flows. What was tense will one day release. What was broken will one day heal. May I have faith the next time I walk through darkness to know that there is nothing to be afraid of. That darkness itself is needed, maybe if anything so that we can then experience the light with even more awe and gratitude.
Humility
I went to sleep early last night (jet lag). I woke up this morning and I did a little yoga. And as I was having my morning ritual, I realized that I really didn't know what to teach. Usually I have a whole class theme planned, I've spent a while on it, got it all worked out, etc... And this morning I just pretty much rolled out of bed, into my morning and into my 9am class at Still.
Normally I would be freaked out but I just did my best.
And lord and behold, I had one of the best classes. I was open to the students, I even asked for request from a couple of them. I wasn't so focused and attached to my plan because I really didn't have any. I knew I wanted to do some heart openers but aside from that it was pretty organic.
And the lesson?
Don't freak out so much.
Be open to possibilities.
Be open to the students.
Be vulnerable. Be brave.
And have humility because ultimately it's not all up to me.
My theme was "Remember your worthiness."
Focus was shoulder loop
We did some suryas.
Standing poses with more focus on heart opening.
Vasistashana
Prasarita Padottanasana
Handstand,
Forearm Balance,
Headstand 1.
Pigeon
Pigeon with thigh stretch
Funky lunge with thigh stretch
Bridge
Urdhva
Urdhva with feet on the floor, toes against the base board of the wall (to keep feet from splaying apart)
Urdhva again without the wall
Tadasana to drop back, using the wall (from standing and from the floor).
Then urdhva and walk feet up the wall and spring back into a handstand to stand and flip over and do it again!
Really playful fun stuff.
Upavista Konasana
Parsva Upavista Konasana
Baddha Konasana
Seated meditation
Savasana
Anusara Poster Project Pose: Tadasana to Urdhva Dhanurasana
One more thing: I hope to not freak out so much before my classes. I really believe that I have created a lot of unnecessary stress from worrying so much. Students want a relaxed teacher. Someone who hasn't planned every single moment. I know for me it's a fine balance between planning and staying open. This whole thing is a work in progress! Our whole lives are a work in progress!!!
Home from home
I'm back home in Los Angeles, from being at home, in Puerto Rico. Funny how both places are home. I just got in from a 7 hour flight and I have this sadness of already missing my family. I went to PR for my parent's 40th anniversary party; and boy what a party. My brother and I were saying how it might have been the best party we've ever been to. Let's see 180 people were there. It was at a fraternity that my father belongs to, where many of my childhood birthday parties were held. I knew almost everyone there, as they were old friends of my family. The doctor who gave birth to me was there. The doctor who saved my life at 15 when I had a car accident was also there. My cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmother, my neighbors.. there was so much love in the room! So many people came over to tell me how much they love me, my mother and my father. A gentleman came over and shared stories with me about my grandfather! What a gift! I was in a state of gratitude and bliss, surrounded by so much love, and wearing a designer dress!
So, back to the party- there was a famous pianist, playing some of my father's favorite songs. Then at 9PM sharp my brother thanked everyone for coming, everyone took their seats and then I gave a speech about my parents. And I KILLED it!!!!! It was funny, it was sweet, it was moving- my parents were cracking up at one moment and then in tears in another. It went so well! Part of it was that I'm used to speaking in front of crowds from teaching yoga- I mean, as much as you can get used to that! And part of it was that I really just worked so hard at it, spent weeks and weeks trying to get the tone right. And then I would sit and meditate, visualize the moment. Lastly, as I spoke I tried to remember my intention: to honor my folks. I made sure to breathe, to look at my viejitos as I spoke. The word viejitos literally means "the old ones" but it's one of the sweetest terms of endearments to call your parents in Puerto Rico. I love my viejitos so much and I wanted to honor them and tell the world how much they have given to me and how generous they are. They both are, in their own unique ways, two of the most generous people I've ever met. In fact my parents eschewed gifts for donations for Casa La Providencia, which is a house dedicated to helping women rehabilitate from drug addiction. How amazing is that? So far their party has brought thousands of dollars to this cause.
And back to the party! Then we had five different succulent dishes. And lastly, my parents brought a special surprise, Carlos Aponte came and delighted us with his singing. For those of you who watched "America's Got Talent" this season, Carlos was the Puerto Rican who riveted audiences, and got standing ovations from the three judges in the beginning of the show. He was so humble and sweet. Many were singing along with him. He ended with the famous Andrea Bocelli song and we were all crying!
What a night!
AND my mother- bless her heart- set me up on a blind date and it turned out to be one of the best surprises of the evening. The gentleman was just awesome and sweet, funny and kind, and so good looking! I can't remember the last night someone opened car doors for me and helped me to my seat. He was lovely and comfortable in his skin. But he lives in PR and I live here so... Who knows! All in all, such a great trip.
I'm sad to leave, I am happy to be home.
I look forward to having my body arrive soon!
And to rest and tomorrow teach my first class back.
Tan nana anurupa-grahya-grahaka-bhedat
As I'm reading The Splendor of Recognition, I've come to sutra 3 and have found myself re-reading this chapter several times. This third sutra translates as, "That Consciousness becomes diverse because of the division of reciprocally adapted objects and subject."
Say what?
I had to re-read that line several times...
I think what this sutra talks about is how Consciousness, out of her freedom, creates this world, and continues to manifest and diversify itself. We as Subject are continuously seeing manifestations of the universe over and over; they appear and disappear right before our very eyes, every single day of our lives. As Swami Shantananda writes "we are forever creating realities and these realities have their own existence and their own effect, regardless of our awareness of what we are doing." And our work as yogis thus is to become aware of this, and live more consciously.
For instance, today I was teaching a class. I have been teaching Sirsasana 1 in every class for the last month. I teach it, demo it, talk about it, give helpful alignment points, even talk about the benefits of the pose.
I say, "if you need to use a wall, please do. If you want me to check your neck call me. I you have a question, please ask. If you can do it safely in the middle of the room, please do." I feel like I'm being a good teacher.
Today one of my students, an incredibly sweet, tall, newer student who is still becoming aware of his body and his practice, all of a sudden decided to do the pose in the middle of the room. I was looking around the room, checking someone's neck when I realized that he was up and in the middle of the room. I got initially scared because he is really tall and is newer to the practice. He also has fallen before in my classes. So my universe was scared for a moment. But then I saw that he seemed steady and then my universe became calm. And then I saw that he was wavering and I called his name and told him to be careful, told him he was going to fall and he fell. He fell and hit his shoulder so bad that he left the class. My universe became frightened and scared for him. I managed to teach the rest of the class and it went well but I was a mess. I was so worried for him. All of a sudden I was not paying attention while I was driving home, and I even got a ticket. Then I got home and talked to him and he was fine. He was just shaken up. I told him to please use the wall from now on. We had a good talk. I wished him well. We hung up, and I felt completely better.
Look at all the different experiences I went through in just a few hours! I went from teaching a great class, to worrying sick, to feeling like I was the worst teacher, to consider never teaching Headstand again, to feeling even more worried... Look at all the scenarios my mind created in such a short amount of time. And imagine what he went through as well!
In a few hours I'm going to board a plane and head to Puerto Rico to celebrate my parent's 40th anniversary. Whenever I'm on a plane and I happen to look out the window and see all the cities, houses, streets, I feel so insignificantly small. And yet right now in my apartment, with my two cats who love me, writing my blog, I feel that I matter.
And as I write these words, I notice that there's a spider right at the corner of my Ikea desk, weaving a little web.
Happily living in her Universe.
And so it goes...
So many perspectives of realities, and all of them are true.
Again, to quote Swami Shantananda, "There is no correct way of seeing this universe; every viewpoint, no matter how odd or oblique, has a foundation in Reality. It is just one more way in which the universe manifests. And we know that it manifests in an immense variety of forms- this diversity is the very question that sutra 3 addresses."
May we continue to watch and participate in the play of Consciousness.
May we watch the events of our day unfold and honor other's points of views.
May we know that we matter;
May we know that we are small;
May we know that we are both the drop and the ocean.
I'll be gone till Monday. Will be giving a speech on Saturday for my parent's anniversary. I hope that my universe is calm and that I am able to speak from my heart.
Be back soon...
The five elements
Inspired by Arun's Ayurvedic workshop, I've been teaching these last few days about the five elements. See, on the last day of the workshop Arun quite generously offered to read everyone's pulse and to tell people their dosha. I noticed that several people were hoping to be one dosha more than others, were hoping to be more "earthy" and less "airy," for instance. Some wished they were given a different reading...
Even I whom Arun thought was "tridoshic" left the workshop thinking, "How could I be tridoshic? I have so many issues! Arun is wrong! I worry so much, I get depressed. Tridoshic? Moi? No way."
But then I realized that we all have all the Mahabhutas: we have space, air, fire, water and earth. I remembered that the entire universe is alive in us. I started to think how often we see the beauty in others and compare ourselves and wish we were different from who we are. Ayurveda says that we have all the beauty of the outside world, in us.
Therefore, we can cultivate more fire, if we feel too stuck in our lives.
We can cultivate more air, and a sense of generosity, if we feel to hot-headed.
We can cultivate more earthiness, if we feel too ungrounded.
And in terms of our yoga practice, we honor how we feel that day, where we are in our lives. And our yoga will meet us right were we are, and take us to a place of more.
Theme: Remembering our Beauty
Started in child's pose: "Bow down to all the elements and the way that they live in you, so beautifully. So uniquely, as you."
Down Dog: "Every finger, every toe represents a certain element; press down evenly through every fingerpad and toe, as if you were honoring all the elements."
Uttanasana: "See how you feel this morning. See what element is strongest in you, and try to cultivate the one you need more of, at this time of your life."
5 Surya Namaskars: In each one I focused on one of the elements.
Space (for example during the vinyasa): "Soften your skin and move gracefully through space."
Earth (for example in Uttanasana): "Root down through the four corners of each foot and draw stability up through the legs towards the core of your pelvis."
Water (in Ardha Uttanasana): "Move the tops of your thighs back creating more of an opening in the floor of your pelvis."
Fire (in chaturanga): "Draw your tailbone down and powerfully lift your lower belly in and up."
Air (in Down Dog): "Root from your heart, straight down through your arms and offer your beauty out."
We then did some standing poses, moving very deliberately and gracefully.
We then went into some abs and shoulder openers, which I thought would be great for Sirsasana 1.
Then we held Sirsasana 1 for 3 minutes.
Afterwards Megan shyly said that her Headstand was not as stable. I went over to her mat, much to her chagrin, and had her demo the pose. Before she went up I asked her to pause and I showed how Megan's cervical spine was flat. I had her restart her pose, and had her align with nature by creating the curve in her neck, coming more towards her forehead. She went up with great ease and was so happy! It was a very inspiring demo. Her courage to ask a question like that, ended up inspiring the whole class. How often we do a pose and have pain in a pose and keep quiet? How great when a student feels safe enough to ask and then we get to witness their transformation. Her Sirsasana before was unstable and uncomfortable. Suddenly it became simultaneously more grounded and light. She said it felt "easier." Wonderful!
We then did Pinca Mayurasana.
Then a crazy variation of Headstand 1 into Forearm- so much fun!
We went into hips.
Some twists.
Then Eka Pada Koundyniasana #1
Then to the floor for some Upavista Konasanas variations.
Lastly we went to our backs and did some Halasana, Sarvangasanas and some Supta Konasana.
Few supine twists and stretches.
Savasana.
So great!
I feel that lately I've been teaching more to the room, which has proven to be very successful. I still come with my plan, of course, but I do my best to look at the students and ask myself, "what do they need?" "How can I best serve them and enhance their light?"
Everyone really is so beautiful. May we remember our beauty and keep cultivating that which we need today, while offering our radiance out to the world.
Quote: "The knowledge that there is a central chamber of the soul, blazing with the light of divine love and wisdom, has come in the course of history to multitudes of human beings." Aldous Huxley
Anusara Poster Project Pose: Supta Konasana in Sarvangasana
