A new day
The day before I wrote my letter of resignation of my Anusara license, my boyfriend asked me a question, "Are you an Anusara yoga teacher? Or are you a yoga teacher?" I paused, took a breath and said, "I am a yoga teacher." And later during more contemplation I realized that I am a yoga student, a student of yoga, of life, of the day-to-day embodied experience. I can't wait to see what happens today so that I can turn inwards, use tools garnered from all of my teachers and my own insights, and then make a choice coming out of my highest.
During the days before I wrote the letter, many teachers and students were calling me asking where I stood. In these last few crazy weeks, I have found it harder and harder to say why I was staying aligned to an organization that I have come to understand is corrupt. And I have found it easier and easier to give reasons why I would resign from such organization. That doesn't mean that the decision was easy. In fact it was one of the hardest decisions of my life! I have spent 11 years of my life teaching yoga. 11 years of my life studying Anusara. I met John Friend in 2003 and he became my main teacher. I have actually studied with him over 40 different times throughout all these years. I have been to diverse places as Inner Harmony and Hawaii. I've taken from him Teacher Trainings, Immersions, Dharma Talks, Therapeutics (my favorites), Advanced Intensives, and workshop after workshop. Even some private classes he has taught for teachers over the years. I even had him as my final evaluator in my Certification process which ended up taking 4 years and over 10 videos were submitted. He Certified me after a long arduous process, which of course made the decision for resigning so heartbreaking.
And yet, there it was, that nagging feeling that in the last few years something was "off." The changing of our philosophy from Tantra to Siva-Sakti Tantra, which is not a true lineage. The changing of the ethical guidelines on the Anusara Manual to make it easier and justify a teacher sleeping with a student. The dating of younger students and employees... And now all these allegations that have come to light showing profound unethical behaviors.
And yet I was terrified- If I resign my license with Anusara Yoga, then who am I? Will my students come to my class? Will I be able to make a living? Eventually I will not be able to teach Anusara Teacher Trainings and Immersions (which I am more than qualified to teach and which I love teaching). How can I make my living? And yet- do I want to stay formally aligned with a company (and yes, Anusara became a company, a brand) out of fear for my livelihood? Do I have that little faith in the Universe that I would compromise my integrity just because I don't think that the Universe will support me? Or will I instead follow my heart, take the leap and jump the chasm?
When I made the decision to resign that day I didn't consult with my friends, fellow teachers, best friends. I simply looked inside and knew what was right for me. And I jumped.
Hi Maria,
Thank you for this post, and for all your posts! Although I haven't been to your class for quite some time, I still learn so much from you by reading your blog. I just want to say that I have been watching this whole thing unfold from afar. Although I did an immersion last fall, some part of me has always known to stay a safe distance away from Anusara. I have studied with the best teachers in LA, and I love all of them dearly (you among them!) And the UPAs speak to me more than any other alignment tools I've come across in my many years on the mat. And yet there was just something in the way that people spoke about John, as if he were some sort of God, that made me feel suspicious. I've personally been hurt, betrayed, manipulated, and disappointed by a man who I thought was my guru. It did not happen on a grand scale as this situation in Anusara. But it impacted my life profoundly. I want to offer you and all of the other Anusara teachers I've studied with two things. One, I support you and stand by you. (In fact, I'll probably make it a point to come to class soon just to support you! So look for me!) Whether my teachers decide to resign their Anusara license or not, I support each and every one, knowing that they are all doing their best through a difficult situation. And two, I want you to know that it gets easier, and that the Universe WILL support you! It took me almost 3 years to feel OK after what happened to me. And it took a lot of support and professional help. I had to learn a lot of really hard lessons, the first of which is to trust my instinct and to follow my own truth! So you're well on your way. The yoga community will recover from this. In fact, I think it will be stronger. I think what's happening is exactly what's supposed to happen! Too much power and deference was placed in the hands of one human being, and in this age of Aquarius, that's exactly what we're learning NOT to do! But it seems we must learn it the hard way. In some places in the world, people are fighting for their lives and dying for it. I only hope this situation helps us bond with others who are struggling to live their lives according to their own truths and highest selves.
I'm sorry for using your blog as a space to express my thoughts. I've been wanting to reach out to the Anusara community for a little while now. If you think there's a better place I can do that, please let me know. You are an amazing teacher, and I honor your decision and your process. Thank you for continuing to offer your light.
With love and respect,
Gretchen
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So helpful. I cried through reading this. Thank you for the message of hope. Looking forward to seeing you soon!
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My heart is still breaking...
But also so joyous that you could take the leap!
Also perhaps now you and other Anusara teachers I know understand where I was coming from by not following the certification process. Remember when we were at an Anusara gathering in San Francisco 2010 (my first, though I had done the TT and Therapeutics with John in 1999) I said I hated the hundreds-mass class and loved it when there were just 60!
You felt sorry for me...
Go Maria! Discover MC YOGA (ha! ha!) YIPPEE!!!
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I remember that! Thank you Amber, for your patience with me. Lots of love!
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'leap and the net will appear'
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leap and the net shall appear.
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Love!
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So powerful.
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Dear dear Maria,
It is so comforting sometimes that some things do not change. You have always been so pure and true, always with only the best intentions. Though we haven't been in touch, I read your post and you are the same special Maria Christina. Anyone who knows you knows you have done the right thing. I have always been so proud of you and your instincts, I am so glad you haven't stopped listening.
The world needs more souls like you.
Jennie
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Dear Maria Cristina,
From the moment I met you, and in each class I've taken with you, it's been very clear that you are a deeply soulful person of profound integrity.
As a yogini and teacher who is not intimately Anusara, I have just borne witness to recent events, and it hurts to see so much suffering. But tonight we have Maha Shivaratri. Could it be more fitting? Destruction always makes way for the new life.
I'm glad you've made a decision that brings you peace. And I just want to say that when someone is as gifted a teacher as you are, it comes from God. It doesn't need a name. All will be well.
Love and light,
Annette
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Dear Maria Cristina
I am not an anusara student. I have never taken your class. I found your blog over a year ago and found myself coming back to it everyday because it was so honest, so open and so full of life. I loved reading stories about your grandmother and was heartbroken by your loss when she passed away. Courage means acting despite feeling of fear. I have been waiting these past few weeks for your journey with Anusara to unfold organically as this "hurricane" swept through. And when i finished reading your latest post and your decision i thought "her grandmother must be so proud". You will do just fine doing what you were born to do - teach yoga.
Love, Light and peace
Danielle
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