I feel like I have been watching television non-stop. I feel like I have been looking into a mirror and seeing my fear, confusion, pain highlighted in the words of others. I experienced great sadness yesterday when I learned that not one, or two or five, but about 7 different teachers chose to leave, just yesterday. One of them being Noah Maze, a beloved and important teacher who has my deepest respect. And in the midst of this, I went to teach for about 6 hours an Anusara Teacher Training with 14 blessed souls who were there because they want to learn more about this elegant yoga, that we all love. 

Yesterday might have been the hardest day I have ever taught. I told the students to bear with me as I cried and made a personal and universal theme about all that is happening. I do believe that something extraordinary is going to come out this. A restructuring of Anusara, more teacher-centered, less John-centric. I also personally feel so heartbroken because I have know John since 2003. I was blessed to meet him before Anusara exploded in popularity. I will cherish the Inner Harmony days when just 50 of us studied with him. I will treasure having lunch and dinner with him and asking his advice. How down to earth he was; how accessible.

I do know that if all goes to hell I will get up tomorrow and continue to teach yoga. That is what I most love to do. I do know that I will continue to teach using the UPA's. They make sense to me and my body. I do know that I love the Tantric philosophy that informs our yoga. None of that has changed.

Something in me though, is still waiting to be born. I am listening to the rumors as they come out and will decide if it is too much for me to stay. More will be revealed. Until then, I go back to my mat. My humble, broken purple mat, over 15 years old. My mat who has seen me through my first teacher training in 2001. Through breakups, through 9/11, through the death of my beloved Grandmother (my first yoga teacher) and my Aunt Sarita. My frayed mat who has seen me through even more breakups, through teaching other styles and then finding Anusara and falling in love with it and becoming an Affiliated, Inspired and then after 4 years and more than 10 videos a Certified teacher. This mat has witnessed my injuries, my strengths, every breakthrough I have had in a pose. It has seen me in the days when I felt dry and uninspired, not worthy to be a teacher. Through the days when I felt strong and vibrant. It has witnessed me fall in love recently and practice with such gratitude for being embodied! And it has traveled with me throughout the world and traveled with me in my inner world as I meditate almost every day of my life. 

And it is the mat I will go to it right now and let it witness me as I at this moment in time: raw, vulnerable, strong, curious as to how my practice and my day will unfold.