Shyness
I went to a dinner party last night. Although the host and company were lovely, I found myself feeling quite shy during the evening. I knew almost everyone, but wasn't close to anyone in particular. Don't get me wrong, it was so nice to see my friend Abel, to see Marcia, and to meet new people. But it was challenging. For some reason I always dread the sitting-down dinners and going to a place where I am not close to anyone. Whenever I go to an unfamiliar environment, all my triggers get lit up and my old patterns come against my new me. I usually find one or two people that I can talk to and hold on to them for balance, like a block under the hand in Ardha Chandrasana. Afterwards when I got home, I took an online quiz on "Social Anxiety Disorder" and scored 100%. 100%! It's such an interesting thing because as a former actress I can "put on" an act; I know how to be funny and cute. I can do the song and dance. But lately I am finding that that is not who I want to be anymore.
A few nights ago I was at another dinner party where I only knew one person. Suddenly in the middle of dinner someone said, "Let's interview Maria and have her tell us all about herself!" All the heads at the table turned to look at me, there was silence, and I literally felt the elevator of my stomach drop to the first floor. I felt my old tendency of playing cute wanting to come out. I was about to start rattling off my list of accomplishments, my resume, my curriculum vitae; taking off my hat and preparing my song and dance routine. But then I took a deep breath and just said, "Sure, what do you want to know?" And took it from there. I think you can learn more about a person by how they behave moment-to-moment rather than by them rattling off facts about their life.
I think what I am trying to say is that I am realizing how shy I am. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's come as a great surprise. I think for most of my life I lived taking care of others emotionally and trying to make them happy- kind of like an unpaid entertainer. And now that I don't have to do that anymore, I find that I want to be left alone with a book, a movie and a few friends! The Unabomber c'est moi!
I also think it interesting that my soul chose teaching yoga as my profession. I have to stand in front of a group of people and talk! After all these years my biggest challenge is that I literally get butterflies in my stomach every single time I teach. Every single time- no exceptions. Yoga has done so much for me though. It has encouraged me to find and nurture my voice and has given me a platform to be of service to others and get out of my head. Without it I would be in my apartment reading books and taking on-line quizzes. I also think Los Angeles is the land of the charismatic mermaids and unicorns so those of us that are a little bit more quiet can feel that we can get lost in the shuffle. And if we are not seen, we don't exist?
There's a number of more holiday parties coming up. Maybe instead of me judging myself, I can honor my quietness and sensitivity. And honor those who are loud and funny (thank God for them!) And just be myself.
love this Maria. I can so relate. thank you for your honesty!
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Thank you Rebeca!
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I love reading your posts Maria! Thank you for this one, as always, it resonates. Enjoy your holiday sit downs with strangers and celebrate your uniqueness!!
xo
Shana (a student of yours)
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Of course I know who you are!!!! I love you!
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I can relate so well to your post. Thank you for writing and sharing it.
...y feliz navidad!
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Mil gracias y felicidades!
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