Being seen
As we are about to enter the holiday season I find myself thinking about how challenging these coming weeks can be. So many past years of holidays have been simultaneously fun but also incredibly stressful with family obligations and doing what I think others want of me, and not necessarily what I want to do. I can remember many fights with the family when I would choose to go to a yoga retreats, to exotic lands, to even stay put in my apartment, over visiting home for the holidays. I even remember saying yes to parties I didn't really want to go to, for fear of staying alone on a holiday. But in fact when I look back on my life, my favorite New Year's was one I spent in New York, by myself, reading my journals from that year. Then I went to sleep before 12 and had the best night. So often holidays make us feel so pressured to do something we think we should, instead of what we want. And often we feel guilty when we do want we want and not what we should!
I remember one Christmas in particular, about 11 years ago, when I chose to go to the Bahamas for a Sivananda yoga retreat over going to Puerto Rico to be with family. I remember family members being really upset at me, some even calling me names like "selfish," and threatening me with the most potent weapon there is: guilt. I went anyway to the Bahamas, spent the holidays doing yoga and meeting new friends, and had the best time! And don't get me wrong, each time I go home or visit family members in other parts of the world, I do end up having fun. But every year we are different and it's important to check in with ourselves, to see where we are and what we want to do, instead of moving through the holidays on an automatic pilot.
I heard a story recently from the great Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield which really resonated with me and I think applies so well to this season...
A family went out to dinner: a father, a mother and a daughter. The waiter comes over and asks the man what he wants for dinner. The father says,
"I would like a steak, medium rare, with a baked potato and sour cream."
"Great," says the waiter, as he writes it down.
The waiter then turns to the mother and asks her what she wants:
"I want a roasted chicken with vegetables," says the mom.
"Got it," says the waiter as he writes it down.
He then turns to the little girl and asks her what she wants,
"I want a hot dog and french fries, and a Coke," says the little girl with a smile.
"Got it," says the waiter.
"Actually," the mother interrupts, "She will have the roasted chicken with vegetables."
"And milk instead of Coke," adds the father.
The waiter turns to the family and asks if he can re-read the order, to make sure he got it right.
"Sir, you said you wanted a steak, medium rare with a baked potato and sour cream."
"Yes."
"Ma'am, you said you wanted a roasted chicken with vegetables."
"Yes," says the lady.
"And for you little girl," says the waiter, "You want a hot dog with french fries and a Coke."
The little girl smiles as the waiter walks away, then turns to her parents and says,
"The waiter thinks I'm real."
When I heard this story I got chills: "He thinks I'm real." How often we all have felt like that, not seen, not heard, not honored for who we are?
Maybe this time, this year, we can check in with ourselves and practice being more authentic. Maybe we can set a precedent where we try to be real and have the holiday we want to have and not the one we just want to get over with.
This coming Thursday I will be teaching Still's Thanksgiving class at 9. I am very excited and honored and looking forward to being with the students on this day. Later I will spend the day with my best friend eating good food and setting intentions for the next year.
Blessings to everyone!
Last Xmas, I decided to visit Europe and got the same grief. Love my family but I had a wonderful time exploring Europe in the winter time, seeing an old friend, meeting new ones and getting lost.
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