Being seen
I just came from a therapist appointment. I had been seeing an incredibly gifted therapist for about 8 years now. But I thought it would be a nice change to try someone new, especially someone that has been highly recommended by my brother. So I went to see Dr. Sharon for the first time today. And within 20 minutes of our session I was crying.
She asked me to talk about a incredibly traumatic incident that happened to me when I was young. As I was telling the incident I was smiling and she said, "Can you tell me this story without smiling?" As soon as my smile ended the tears started to come. So many tears, even after all these years.
I think I worry so much about "protecting" others, whether they are family, friends, students, lovers and/or even therapists. I have learned to keep people at bay and hide parts of myself. As soon as I stopped smiling the dam broke. Even after all these years there is so much sadness.
I think part of my work as a yogi is not just learning how to stand up from urdhva dhanurasana. It's not just learning how to balance in a handstand. It's allowing myself to be seen.
In Anusara yoga we learn that we are all a unique expression of this one light that chooses -out of its own freedom- to refract into myriad expressions. Why do I keep denying others from seeing the way light moves through me?
I think my soul has chosen to become a yoga teacher so that I could encourage others to shine their own unique light brightly. And maybe inspired by them, I could also do the same...
Class this morning was great. I taught at Still a mixed level class and we had a really funny, sweet group. Solana from Black Dog's TT was assisting and she was so lovely, open, and generous. I've been playing around with giving less instructions at the beginning of class, during the sun salutes and even during the first few standing poses. I don't know if students could tell, but it certainly felt better for me to not feel that I have to say 1,000 things in one pose. To be economical in my speech. To be able to hold the space with silence.
We also did really (I think) interesting works on the hips and on the sides of the body. We explored Malasana 1 and Malasana 2, tons of Ardha Chandra Chapasana and we culminated in Baby Kapinjalasana. Lots of fun stuff. I think I'm finally starting to get a handle on this whole teaching thing.
I have been really enjoying seeing my students do their practice. I often pause and admire the beauty that they create in class! I hope they know how beautiful they are!
Anusara Poster Project Pose: Malasana prep, Malasana 1 and Malasana 2
MC
I love your posts. So honest and pure. Thanks for sharing.
Love and smiles to you
Kim
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I remember shortly after I met you, you told me, "I see you," and I knew instinctually that this was true... And what a gift that was and is.. From that deeper and richer place beneath the surface...By being in touch with your sadness, you give everyone permission to reveal themselves more completely.... I love you..
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I love this post. You are absolutely right about being seen. I do think alot of us end up yoga teachers as part of our process to be authentic with others. In Forrest Yoga (my background) teach training, there are multiple rounds of exercises to teach us to be seen & to see others. It is such a gift to give & receive. To show up, be you, let others see you & be seen by you in a loving space. May you keep right on this path!
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