this loneliness
Lately I've been feeling so lonely... It comes and goes for me but in the last few months, there it is. This loneliness... I think it's been exacerbated by a breakup I suffered a few months ago and by some close friends moving away... And I certainly do not help it because of my own introverted nature; left to my own devices I would be entirely fine staying home, mediating, doing restorative yoga and regular yoga, happily reading books and watching 30 Rock and True Blood. Which I do! Just this weekend I finished two books. And yesterday I started Homer's The Odyssey (so much fun by the way).
Also, I've been going through this stage where I've been wanting to practice by myself. Yes I go every once in a while to Tiff's class or to Tanya's class. But mostly I have been practicing by myself in the private park in front of my building. My neighbors are used to me doing strange asanas. One of my neighbors, who's from England, calls me "the nutter." Victoria my landlady is always worrying that I am going to hurt myself in my backbends. Her mother Barbara, this elegant lady, sometimes gives me tips on my handstands as she used to be a gymnast when she was young. And Kurt and his daughters Asha and Akira, whenever they walk by end up visiting me and my mat, and Akira yesterday asked if I live in the park (I told them I did and said that I was a fairy.)
So here I am feeling so lonely, feeling a bit cut off from the kula, not being part of Facebook and that whole machine... Being one of the worst self promoters... And yet all I have to do is open my eyes and see how many people are in my life: friends, family, students, and neighbors. All waiting for me to realize that I am not alone.
The word for Consciousness in Saivism is "Cit." It's the power of awareness, of knowing. How do you know you know? How do you know you are awake? What is that part of you that knows you are sleeping? That knows you are in the deep sleep?
We are all part of this bigger Consciousness. And because we are a contracted form of this bigger consciousness we have to constantly remind ourselves not only physically but spiritually that we belong. That the drop is inside the ocean and the ocean is inside the drop, to paraphrase Kabir. The word for mind or thoughts is citta as in Patanjali famous aphorism, "Yoga citta vrtti nirodah." And citta is of course a contracted form of Cit. So it makes sense that we feel contracted often and it also makes sense that every day we remind ourselves that we are not alone and that we are indeed part of something so much greater than we can ever imagine.
And our work as yogis and as yoga teachers is to remind others of that...
So I think today I will teach about that and focus on the Universal Principle of Alignment that helps to physically integrate the body, which is of course Muscular Energy.
Have a good day everyone!
Querida Cristina,
My heart goes out to you - if it's any consolation - I've been feeling the same thing! Missed seeing you this year! Abrazos, Olga
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MC,
I was just thinking of you...missing you, actually...and wandered over to your blog, on a morning when I also feel a bit...adrift. Thank you for writing so eloquently and honestly, you've lifted my spirits...as you always do!
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I found your blog through a mutual blog friend - Emma, I think, although I can't remember now. I've read everything here to this point and what a joy you are! Thank you! I will definitely be back for more. I've been feeling a bit lonely too, so this one resonated with me. I just told my husband . . . I'm off center somehow, finding my way back, yet again. Thank you for you!
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Oh how i love the realness of your blog and the reflection of feelings that often seen so dark when kept inside..it is comforting to know I am not alone in this. Was so nice to see your beautiful smile on Sunday and I always look forward to the next time!
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