Being and becoming
I've been riffing about how we carry a persona with us, a collage made up of our personality, our traits, how we look and behave, and probably some unconscious stuff. But sometimes something happens, maybe a trauma, some kind of a loss, where we can no longer be who we always were. A new normal has been created, the paradigm shifted, and the persona no longer fits with our new reality.
I've been going through some sad personal stuff lately and have not felt any desire to partake in the song-and-dance of my personality, which is overwhelmingly a very bubbly, sunny one. Lately I've had little to no energy to smile and rush over to people, saying hi to them before they say hi to me (my tendency). Lately I've been sulking in corners, practicing yoga at the back of the room when I go take class. The question which has been arising for me is: "If I am not bubbly, sunny, smiling Maria, then who am I? "If I am not good and kind and smiling all the time and taking care of other's needs, then who am I?" Maharshi famously would say to this students to constantly ask themselves: "who am I?" "Who am I?" Might be the most important question we ask ourselves.
I spoke about this with a dear friend. She has a very distinctive look: tons of tattoos, tons of jewlery, purple hair. She shared that sometimes she wonders if she didn't look like that, who would she be? If she wasn't funny all the time, who would she be? We both expressed deep fears of not being liked for showing another new side. Of not being loved by others. I think as yoga teachers some of us find ourselves in a challenging place of being in the seat of the teacher and feeling pressure (both external and internal) to always seem like we are in a great place, to smile in a sattvic way, to appear to have it all together.
Life, just like yoga practice, will re-organize us, will re-arrange us and utterly transform us. When we go through something challenging, we can literally feel ourselves changing. It's scary. But then we look at the philosophy and discover that the practice is there for us in times of need. Tantra says that we are both spirit and matter; that we are both that which is always changing (moods, personalities, thoughts) and that which is unchanging. The trick is to remember to identify with that which is unchanging; and in doing so it will anchor us through the turbulence that can and will arise at times. Plus it will also take the charge off the attachment we have to our stuff, to our stories, to our personalities and be able to release what needs to be released.
Lastly, may we enjoy the journey, the ride. All of it. May we enjoy those dark nights of the soul, knowing that they are not really who we are. May we cry when we need to; stay in bed when we feel like it; watch bad reality TV if we want to ("For the Love of Ray J, season 2 rules!); order delivery; kiss our cats for a very long time without feeling like we are going to be the crazy single lady with cats.
May we enjoy the crazy adventure we are on: both the part of us that is eternally changing and that part of us that is eternal.
Theme: Celebration
Focus: Muscular Energy
Anusara Poster Project Pose: Krounchasana
I love you MC...
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